Monday, April 10, 2006

 

An American's Response

I've seen this before, but when I saw that Underground Dubai had this, I feel like I have to reply:

Declaration of Revocation by John Cleese

No, this is not by John Cleese. You can tell this by looking it up on various websites such as Truth or Fiction. Or you can just read it and realize that John Cleese's version would have been much funnier.

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
A reoccuring theme of this response will be "becareful what you wish for". The population of the UK is 60,609,153. The population of the US is 295,734,134. If you did revoke our independence, I don't like your chances in winning any elections.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
See, this just shows that you have no idea what you are talking about. If you are only going to leave out one state, that state had better be either West Virginia or Mississippi.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
You do realized how well this worked out last time, right?

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

This is almost as funny as me writting "Look up 'aluminum' in Webster's Dictionary. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it."

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

This is pretty rich coming from a nation that cannot spell "jail" or "curb" properly, or realize that "lieutenant" does not have an "f" in it.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

OK, not only do more of us say "zee", the French pronounce it "zed" too. I'm just saying.

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

Be careful what you wish for. If, as you are implying, you want one form of English, then again, 295,734,134 to 60,609,153, we win and "US English" is now "English". "British English" is now just a quaint dialect with lots of misspellings.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You are right, it isn't that hard to tell the two apart. Also, the Aussies are the ones that think that you all are insufferable twits, though they use somewhat stronger language.

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

Does anyone in America watch "Taggart"? Is that even a show? I say this as someone who likes many British shows, like Red Dwarf and As Time Goes By. I have never heard of this show. Perhaps you believe that since American shows are popular there, then your shows must be popular in the US. Not so much.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

I can never remember hearing an American talk about Devonshire, so I have to wonder just how big a problem this is.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

"Men Behaving Badly" lasted less than a year in the US, and the Red Dwarf pilot was never shown, so I don't think that these are good examples. And of course, since the UK will not show the "Trapped in the Closet" episode of South Park, it takes some nerve to lecture us on political correctness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. (This will be a big shock to those fans who watch NFL Europe, as well as the Canadians who love the CFL.) You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Really, really, really be careful what you wish for. As you no doubt know, soccer is at best the fourth most popular game in the US. If we really devoted ourselves to it, had our best athletes and coaches focus on it, do you think that we might be better than we are now? And how good are we now? According to FIFA, the US national team is ranked #5 in the world. And England? #9 (behind France). Who do you reckon will win the World Cup first, the US or England?

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

I have had to explain this before, and expect that I will again. The primary effect of wearing football equipment is making you hit harder, because you lose the fear of what will happen to your face and body. This is exactly the same as boxing gloves. People believe that wearing gloves makes boxing safer, because they have padding. Wrong. Gloves let you hit your opponent harder without breaking the bones in your hand. There would be more blood but fewer deaths if boxing banned gloves. If you don't believe that people hit harder in football pads, compare the hitting in the Under-19 Rugby championship in Dubai this week with any high school game in Texas. Also, while we are talking about nancies, at least American football doesn't involve falling to the ground and rolling around after the least bit of contact.

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

OK, for someone who claims to know so much more about the world outside your borders than Americans, you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Baseball is played around the world, including very prominently in Canada, Mexico, Cuba, the Dominican Republic, Venezuala, Japan, Korea, and Taipei.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

Let me introduce you to an American phrase you will hear a lot when you come to take our guns: "... from my cold, dead fingers". And the last time you tried to disarm us, it worked out really well for you, so by all means, try again.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. No, idiot, they are fries. You know what, those things that you call chips aren't real fries either. It is almost as if they are two different things. You would think that being so much smarter than us you would be able to figure this out. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

The reason that your gas is so expensive is because of taxes. Again, your first time of taxing us without our consent worked out really well. Maybe this is such a painful subject that you all are never taught it in your schools or something.

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Lee Harvey Oswald. Read Case Closed, you will be convinced.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

OK, I know that I'm taking this way too seriously.

Comments:
Diyos ko naman!

Funny stuff. The funniest part is they didn't mention British cars, talk about funny!

A buddy of mine had a good theory about test cricket. Invented by a bunch of bored and drunk colonialists.

Anyway you fisked that one pretty well.
 
lol - good repost, enjoyed your article.

all good fun and despite what I have heard, you guys DO have a sense of humour.
 
Thanks axonsax. I really enjoy the stuff you post, keep up the good work.
 
LOVE IT!
 
Hey j-a-m! How have you been? Haven't heard from you since you got to Al Ain.
 
Been good! Took us a while to get internet. I think I have actually seen you and your family in Al Jimmi mall..... Think your daughter gave my daughter a balloon once.....

Will update my blog and let everyone know what has been going on.
 
I enjoyed reading Axonsax and your reply but the best part was the end when you say that you're taking it way too seriously. You sure have a sense of humor :-)
 
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